Past few weeks i have been greatly in doubt of myself. I do not noe if i shud do this or that and sometimes i duno whether i shud take the initiative or jus sit back and dun do anything. Everything i do.. the grass foreva seems greener on the other side and thus, i have finally reached upon a conclusion todae.
Love is like a drug. Something dat u can get easily addicted to. Same principles as masturbation and smoking. Its something dat grants oneself personal gratification but degrades ur very self at the same time. Once u start, u cant seem to stop. Of course, i shant generalise so all these wud jus reflect my thought process as i gone thru the course of this month. Love starts out first feeling great and nice and warm, however, as time passes... 'love' at this age seldom seem to last. It all seems to be negated by jealousy, over possessiveness and many other negative feelings dat would cause the relationship to sour in the end(well for me). After dat.. 'love' would then seem all vague and unreal. Now at this stage, we would all wish to attain the initial love that we had before.. the comfort in our hearts knowing that there is some1 hu is dear and special to u out there also feeling the exact same way about u. This is when most of us become desperate and the transformation of love into lust. I seem to want to get tgthr wif almost every girl i meet. having fantasies that i would even consider grave sin shud i realise it out for u. Im still glad that my logical side of me is still intact and im not acting out what im dreaming.. which is the reason for this post. Doing the right thing that im supposed to.
What i might have for YOU might not be love anymore. It might just be lust because of what i shared with u before. Lust for the attention, the love, the care and the concern. I want it all back. i want to feel good. but that would just be very selfish of me. Sometimes, i do really ask myself.. what is this false sense of hope that im given each time im with u or each time a reply of a msg comes from u. It all just seems so empty.. like how it holds the empty promises i used to get in my secondary sku days. Thus, the conclusion i came to is to void myself of all 'love' and lust so as to prevent myself from getting into any further trouble with this yr being a crucial year for me. It may sound very logical.. but the fact is... i feel like a coward. The lack of courage to do things which i failed in again and again and giving up so easily. I always look for excuses, look for other stuff to blame and portray myself as more perfect than most people out there. truth is, i feel inferior to all of u. Trying to hide my weak inner selfish being in this empty soul. Fighting to put on a smile that would radiate the false confidence that i have in myself.
It is now that i realise how insignificant i am to this world.. to many people. How little i can do to bring smiles to many. How anti-social i am. How few topics i have to tok to YOU about. How useless i was and is. I do sincerely hope i can change that. I noe it is not impossible.. but at my current state.. i jus feel im unable to advance. stagnating over here and wallowing in self-pity. It just feels so ez to encourage people to do things that they cant but when u urself try.. u would most probably just say "no i cant go on any longer".
This is the reality of life. Sometimes no matter how hard u try and wish for something to happen, it jus nvr does. Plus i feel that my GP teacher was right to say "just because you love a person, doesnt mean that he or she must love you back.". A sentence well spoken and well learnt thru experience. Despite all this, I do sincerely believe that one day.. both of us would find happiness in the end.. be it in others or in each others arms.
With that, I wish u all the best and everyone out there who have important exams to take and stuff to accomplish, the best of luck. =) Cheers~
*Can I really do it in the given amount of time left for me?*
